America’s National Pastime – Blogging (Kvetching)

According to the latest Time – CNN poll as reported by Wolf Blitzer in the situation room, Kvetching and Internet Poker have replaced Baseball as America’s favorite pastime. Kvetching has spawned a huge industry in the United States of America now that the manufacturing jobs have been relocated to China. “Kvetch”: “to complain, blame, harangue, scapegoat, get freaked out about, drive crazy, whine about, gossip, spin, twist the truth, lie and tell the truth about but do nothing about it except kvetch.”

Kvetching is the fuel of the internet, a multi billion dollar industry. The internet has turned the Earth into a worldwide Kvetchfest. Every blog is a series of daily kvetches by literally hundreds of millions of people world wide. Blogging is now replacing psychiatry as a way for people to vent their fear, frustration, anger, and sense of worthlessness. Soon blogging will render psychiatry obsolete. Instead of lying on a couch for 45 minutes complaining about what your father said to you when you were 5 years old, as your Doctor sits silently thinking about what to buy his mistress for her birthday, and then saying, “I’m sorry our time’s up for this week I’ll see you next Wednesday”, for $100 per session, people can now sit down at their computer and kvetch for free for as long as they like to the entire world.

Not only this, but the search engines’ super computers index every single word of every single person’s kvetch, so that if you search “Bush” you will come up with 228 million search results. Unfortunately the search engines do not yet display all 228 million results for each word, but they do display a thousand, and getting your kvetch into the top thousand has spawned an entire industry of snake oil salesmen called SEO experts. For a modest fee these people will tell you which words to use in your kvetch, submit your kvetch to millions of search engines, and promise to get your kvetch into the top ten kvetches for your keyword, the big time, where millions of people can read about your problem and feel sorry for you and send you comments, emails, and invite you to join their group of people with similar complaints. The NSA is now recording every telephone conversation that you make, writing down the name and number of the person you called, and recording every word of every blog that you write. It is as though they are recording on super computers every thought that comes into your mind. Even George Orwell could not have imagined this. It is like we are robots gone mad and our brains are mini computers and the government is the main computer trying to reign us all in, to defragment the system before we blow up the earth once and for all.

Kvetching is the fuel of the media, newspaper commentators and television commentators. You can now watch the talking heads in high definition. They have divided up into groups, Democrats and Republicans. Now the Republicans are kvetching about the other Republicans, as well as the Democrats. The Shiites are kvetching about the Sunnis and the Kurds and the Muslims are kvetching about the Hindus. The Americans are kvetching about the Iranians and the Iranians are kvetching about the Jews and the Americans. The psychiatrists only exist now because the search engines are not permitted to hand out medications, although that is changing. Drug companies are buying up our email addresses and spamming our mail boxes with invitations to purchase anti depressants over the internet without the intervention of any doctors. They are not concerned that many of these anti depressants cause even worse depression and cause the bloggers to commit suicide. The doctors are getting their revenge on patients who left them for their keyboards.

There is a deeply spiritual reason why computers are so popular. We know from countless people who have had near death experiences that after death many of us go back into a tunnel of brilliant white light. We experience a sense of complete relief and ecstasy, not a care in the world, all of our troubles left behind. Looking into the white light of our computer screens for hours on end we become one with the white light that is our holy spirit. We feel as though we are back in the womb, back in heaven from where we came, free from all worldly cares, like nuclear world war 3, global warming, Armageddon, pollution, crumbling economies, which worries are shouted at us constantly by the newspapers, televisions, and computer screens, sending us reeling to psychiatrists, drugstores, and SEO experts.

More American soldiers have committed suicide in Iraq than have been killed in combat. Imagine the stress they are under. They are in a country where they are universally hated, protecting people who hate their guts, watching their best friends get killed and their legs and arms blown off every single day, frightened to death that this will be their fate as they round the next turn, all for a country which was tricked into going to war and no longer believes in the war. Instead of sending more troops, the United States needs to send over more SEO experts. Don’t worry. Soon it will all be over. Jesus is coming on a flying white horse to save us all again, and to meet George Bush in Jerusalem, to congratulate him on his successful crusade, reclaiming the Holy Land for Christianity as the Pope did with his Christian Army 1,000 years ago. As Albert Einstein said to his lover of 20 years, “If you didn’t kvetch you’d have nothing to say at all. So keep on kvetching, you kvetch.”